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Wednesday, December 23rd, 2009

jessieoftr

11:50a Wait for Me With a car that worked not even half the time, school bearing down on me, a tired soul, and a hungry heart, I felt the weight of misery on my shoulders. The date was October 5th, 2009, and the day changed my life. Every single thing that day made me more and more miserable, so as I sat, feeling quite hopeless in my geology lab, I made an effort to bring everyone down with me, including my loving boyfriend, Russell. But that's not who I want to be. When class was over and I went out to deliver pizzas, I kept to myself most of the night. Even my boss knew something was wrong as he asked me repeatedly if I was okay. When I told him, I'm fine, he didn't buy it. "I know what women mean when they say that, I've had four sisters. Don't give me that bullshit." I shrugged. "Just don't do anything stupid." He told me. I wanted to cry. I had already made up my mind. As I drove, I decided I was fed up. I was fed up with the car, fed up with my life, fed up with my money...all hope was lost. I was going to drive my car into the lake off Northshore. If I was going down, that piece of shit was going with me. And if I chickened out, at least the car would be rid of. Along the way, I felt as though something was guiding me. Something I couldn't control. My grief. Russell called me and knew something was going on. He wouldn't leave me alone until he figured it out...until I told him where I was going. A lot told me that I shouldn't tell him...but one little hidden message was telling me to let him in. I told him where I was, and he was there in no time. He held me close as we looked out over the water, and I suddenly felt reborn. I felt hope. I felt happy. With him, I felt protection. He even made me laugh when I told him about one of Dr. Francisco's students. They killed themselves after watching the Matrix, but they had a lot of psychological problems. When I told him that we had just watched the Matrix, he told me, "you were going to do that to him AGAIN?" I laughed. I would have felt bad though. I thought back to that moment yesterday, and I realized gravely, I had not broken up with somebody. I had not put a stop to a bad relationship. But instead, I gave up my all time best friend and lifetime partner. After much talking, I knew what I had to do. I returned to that place, to find hope. Nearly five seconds after I arrived, he was there (I told him I'd be there of course). "You wouldn't have come to this place if you wanted to be alone." Duh. He held me and once again, I felt hope. Slowly, I knew everything was going to be okay. He told me he needed time. It made me sad, but I knew he would come back to me. In that moment I knew we had grown an unbreakable bond. It could not be shattered easily by petty arguments, temptations, and stress. Perhaps, broken a bit, but never shattered. Always mend-able and always there. When I kissed him there, it felt as though I was kissing him again for the first time. It felt like we were starting over. "I need time." He told me. "Promise you will wait for me?" He asked with tears in his eyes. "I promise." I said, with sadness still, but now full of hope. "I will wait for you." One night of fun might be just that...fun...but a love like we have is always worth waiting for. current mood: hopeful

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Monday, December 14th, 2009

jessieoftr

11:51a Dear Jimmy, John, and Joseph, Do you honestly think I'm stupid? I've dealt with your kind before. I've dated your kind, slept with your kind, been friends with your kind, and after carefully disecting every inch of your character architype, I laugh in your face. Not only am I a writer who is suppose to understand how personalities work, I spent a year and a half trying to prepare myself for a full lifetime with you. Despite my best efforts, I discovered that I couldn't do it, and nor did I want to. Let's put you in the spotlight for a second...I mean, that's what you want, right? There you are, under the black light so that you glow in an "oh, woe is me" sort of way. You bring gloom and despair with every step you take, killing any mood around you just by being there. Then you go and make things worse by opening your mouth. "I hate my life," you'll say. Or you preache that "life is just a bunch of disappointments." Remember that scene from Metal Gear Solid 3? "This world is one of sadness. Battle brings death. Death brings sorrow" So sad. *cuts wrists* That's what you are, okay? But THEN!!! Oh THEN is the good part! You'll go and do all that, and wonder why no one likes you! Um, news flash: People like to be happy! People won't respect you or want to be around you if all you do is make them miserable!!!! It's quite simple, really. Now that we've gotten that emo-ness out of the way. Let's move on to why we think you do this. It can't HONESTLY be to make friends. However, there are some suckers out there with bleeding hearts who will pull you into their bosom and stroke your head, cooing "ooooh, you poor poor baby." And that is exactly what you want. Except you want the "stroking head" part to change in about five minutes as you move in for the kill. I know what "let's just play some pool" means. I know what "you're missing out." means. I even know what it means when you play like you're not interested. I know how the jealous card works. "Oh, Amber is so hot." or "my ex really knew how to kiss." See, I just can't understand why you people just can't be honest. Or even nice, for that matter. I can't understand why you can't TRY to be happy. Cause you know a happy guy is much sexier than a depressed one. In conclusion, you are depressed and miserable because you choose to be. I'm tired of being "nice" to your kind. Every single person I've dealt with of your kind. Maybe I'm bitter because I've become just what you are. Because I listened to you so much now that now I believe what you told me. I believe what you brought me down to be, and it's slowly eating away my current happy relationship. But you know, I don't need your approval anymore. I don't care if I'm a 10 because to me, that means nothing. A 10 is a stereotype and there is no such thing as perfection. If you were to rate me on ambition and personality, I'm easily a 200. Uniquness I am a Q396d, which is a madeup number because you cannot "rate" uniqueness and you cannot rate a person! And if you want to go into stereotypes, then your's is the worst of all. It says so here in your personal file: Unlikeable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikeable loner whose passing shall not be mourned. 'Shall not be mourned.' That's exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted. So that's funny, too. current mood: bitchy

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